JESUS CHRIST TERRORIST 2005
a Cowpasture Production
The Jesus Christ Terrorist script is available here in PDF form.
NEWSCASTER (Front and Center Stage)
The story's black and white, but the blood is red
Oppose this government and they'll kill you dead
Oh Jesus Christ, now we must insist
Answer us for real. Are you a Terrorist?
We need you crucified and on that very note
We need you crucified John Ashcroft needs a goat
CAST (Marching from Lobby to Stage into 1/2 Circle
Jesus Christ Terrorist, Do you think your name's
on Ashcroft's list? (repeat 4x)
OHHHHHMMMMMMMMM…….20 sec
JCT (SUNG OVER RIFF)
My mind is clearer now.
At last, all too well, I can see
Where we all soon will be.
If you strip away, the myth, from the man
You will see, where we all, soon will be.
King George!
You've started to believe
The things they say of you. You really do believe
This talk of you as King is true.
Cheered on by your cronies... all their wild applause.
In your mind you matter more than the death you cause.
Listen King George I don’t like what I see.
All I ask is that you listen to me.
You're pre-occupied.
You're still mad they tried to kill your Pa
All your followers are blind
Too much heaven on their minds
You were pitiful but now you’re just scary
Texas'es most famous son
Should have stayed a great unknown
Like his father's CIA, he'd have made good pay
Keg parties and titty fests would have suited Dubyah best
He'd’ve caused no Iraqis harm, no one alarm
Listen Dubyah, do you care for your place?
Don't you see that we have to save face?
But it's sad to see your chances weakening with every hour
Every word you say today, you act just the other way
What you gonna do with all that power?
Yes, it's all gone sour. Dubbyah, it's all gone sour
Listen King George, to the warning I give
So come on, come on, Dubbyah, listen to me.
NEWSCASTER
Way, way back in 2001, when the War on
Terror had just begun
Jesus was a lowly teacher, a rouge scholar,
patriot preacher
JCT
So you see kids, last year’s election was rigged….
completely illegitimate. King George the First
had some of his old buddies there pull a coup
on American democracy. Bastards probably had
it planned for years.
And as if that weren’t bad enough, the king’s brother
and first cousin at FOX calls the election in his favor,
before the votes are even counted... shit, our president
would’ve been the guy who
spearheaded the Kyoto Accords. Instead we're stuck with
the moron who backed out of them. But hey, look at the
bright side kids… at least he's a do-nothing president.
Maybe we'll get lucky and cruise through the next four
years no worse for the wear...
oh, excuse me... yes, what is it? Oh, oh no... how awful,
two planes?... oh, God... what's that? The Patriot Act?
They're using the tragedy to forward their agenda... not good
My activist senses are tingling. (JC EXIT)
NEWSCASTER
Our mild-mannered professor receives a call
A tip, telling him Baghdad will fall.
But this is no ordinary college professor
It's Jesus Christ come to play confessor.
Over the next and coming years
It just may happen as we fear
He'll end up on Ashcroft's list
Condemned as a modern-day terrorist.
CAST AND AUDIENCE AS STUDENTS (SUNG)
What's the buzz tell me what's a-happening?
(repeat 8x)
JCT
Why should you want to know?
Don't you mind about the future
Don't you try to think ahead
Save tomorrow for tomorrow
Think about today instead
CAST (while jc sings next three lines)
When do we move on the Capital? (repeat 8x)
JCT
I could give you facts and figures
I could give you plans and forecasts
Those madmen don’t know what they’re starting
JCT
Why should you want to know?
Why are you obsessed with fightin?
Times and fates you can't defy?
If Dubbya’s this intent on warring
We better start to organize!
NEWSCASTER
we interrrupt this program for this late
breaking news: the FBI and the CIA
are on the lookout for a known terrorist...
ah, sympathizer, but definitely terrorist... very...
extremely dangerous. Do not, I repeat, do NOT
attempt to communicate with the suspect yourself.
True patriotic citizens are ordered to report all
suspicious-looking, towel-headed, sand-niggers
to the federal authorities immediately. (Repeat)
Now, stay tuned for the hip new kid’s
show, King George’s Neighborhood.
KING GEORGE (In V-Neck Sweater)
It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, A beautiful
day for a neighbor... would you be mine? Could
you be mine? Won’t you be my neighbor?
CAST AND AUDIENCE (Audience Cast as well)
Yeay! Hooray!
King Gerorge
Good Morning Boys and Girls. I have something
very special for you today. Today we’re going to
learn all about war. But don’t think of war as
killing... with all those bloody, nasty mutilated
bodies. Today we’re going to talk about how war
can be your friend... and my friend too.
You see boys and girls today’s wars are different
than they used to be. When you’re fighting an
enemy who has no compassion, liberation has to
come from confrontation. So in the end, war is peace.
KING GEORGE (PARANOID) (CONT'D)
Who could that be boys and girls? We weren’t
expecting any dissent... err, I mean "visitors"
today? Hum, let’s go see. Jesus Christ!
Who the hell are you?
JCT (CALM, COLLECTED)
I am Jesus Christ…you know, son of man
your savior?..never mind we gotta talk.
KING GEORGE
Come on in and join us, because we’re all
neighbors here and free and white and pure
So what do you want to talk about? Cool tanks,
or fighter planes? Stuff like that?
JCT
For starters you've really got to stop using me as a
reference. I mean, nobody's twisted my message as
bad as you in two thousand years! You're WAYYY off…
KING GEORGE
I’m gonna blow up the axis of evil with my new...
nu-cular, earth-penetrating mini-bomb! Finally
found them weapons of maaaasss destruction!
Yeehaww!
JCT (INTERRUPTING)
Don't try and change the subject you little worm!
My children are dying because of your insatiable
hunger for power and revenge. Now, I know you’re
mad at Saddam for trying to cap your dad, but
you’ve got to fight those urges. Look at me, I’m
pissed off at you right now, but do you see me
calling down the heavenly wrath?
KING GEORGE (INTERRUPTING NERVOUSLY)
Ahemm... Oh my... now remember where we are
Jesus. These are children we’re talking to and you
mustn’t confuse them with facts and things of that nature.
JCT (BLOWN AWAY)
Yeah... OK, King George... whatever, you’re clearly
out of your mind. The parents watching today can
surely tell that.
KING GEORGE
Oh Yes... they should watch! They should never
turn off the TV! Especially Fox Channel! I really
like them!
JCT
And they should be informed.
KING GEORGE (EMPHATIC AND IRRITATED)
Informed? About What? The subliminiminal
(stumbling over words) messages? Jeepers Crow,
Jesus, these children know that if one is to be a real
patriotic patriot they never EVER question what the King says.
JCT
For your information Mr. Good Christian
President, people have been known to address Me
as “King” too.
KING GEORGE (GETTING INCREASINGLY ANGRY)
Gosh Darn, you! Now hold on! This here’s the reason I had my
other neighbor, Pontious Ashcroft, draw up careful guidelines...
so that people would know how to think and speak and act
like real patriotic patriots.
JCT
Are you saying people aren’t free to think for themselves?
KING GEORGE (BEAMING NOW WITH IDIOTIC ABANDON)
That’s the funny thing about being king... um, I mean president.
Someone might have to explain to me why they say something,
but I don’t feel like I owe anyone an explanation of why I say
things.
JCT
But you’re supposed to represent the people! You’re
eventually gonna have to answer to them!
KING GEORGE (MORE ANGRY THAN EVER)
Gosh, ding, dang! Don’t you say that! The kids are gonna
hear you and then the other neighbors might hear you and
people won’t be thinking right. Now you’re a guest, so... so
you best start acting like one. I mean you’re starting to
sound like... one of them.
JCT (A LAST-DITCH EFFORT TO GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT)
You mean one of our neighbors?
KING GEORGE (NOW IN THE GRIPS OF A FULL-ON RAGE)
No, you idiot! One of the dang terrorists!
Overlapping Monolouges
JCT
Light streaming out of the sky
Whores Singing
Try not to get worried,
Try not to turn on to
problems that upset you……ahhh…
Don't you know
Everything's all right, yes, everything's fine
And we want you to sleep well tonight..
Let the world turn without you tonight..
If we try
we'll get high
so forget all about us tonight
Band singing
Everything's all right, yes, Everything's all right, yes
Whores Singing
Come and I shall soothe you
Comfort and anoint you
Mhyrr for your hot forehead….ahhh…
Don't you know
Everything's all right, yes, everything's fine
and it's cool and the ointments sweet
for the fire in your head and feet
Close your eyes, close your eyes, and relax
think of nothing tonight
JCT
Fuck all these fine ointments
Brand new and expensive
Should be used to protest the war
Why has it been wasted?
We could have reached maybe
Three hundred people or more
People who are struggling
People who are resisting
Matter more than your feast and fame
Whores again
Try not to get worried,
Try not to turn on to
problems that upset you……ahhh…
Don't you know
Everything's all right, yes, everything's fine
And we want you to sleep well tonight..
Let the world turn without you tonight..
If we try …we'll get high..
so forget all about us tonight
One Remaining Whore
If we try …we'll get high..
so forget all about us tonight
Randy
Follow your Leaders to War and then back
Just give us what we want and we won’t attack.
Don’t ask questions, but believe it no doubt
We’ll kill the ones we can and we’ll buy the
rest out!
CAST
Doo da Doo…Doo da Doo…Doo Da Do.
Randy
The King’s got you sold that God wants war
He’s backed up by the TV anchor media whore
You’ve got to go along, you’ve got to be loyal
But when you cut him open the King bleeds oil
CAST
Doo da Doo…Doo da Doo…Doo Da Do.
Randy
Hey kid, don’t believe in the lies
Moloch the great has got you hypnotized
Asylums, Courtrooms a shot to your Vein
They’re the one’s that are insane (8 Xs)
KING GEORGE (SOUNDING WAY HUNG-OVER)
Oh, my head! Hey, what happened?
Where’s all my money? My billions in surplus?
Trillion dollar what? But, how’m I ‘sposed ta beat
the bad guys...What’s that?
Hey guys, I just got a great idea!
Let’s blame it on Jesus!
CAST
Yeah, awesome! Let’s get ‘em! Yeah, Nuke 'em!
Bag Lady w/Shopping Cart
I can’t watch my television without
threats of terrorism and Iraq
I see a man with a hand in his back as
he yaks Cuz ventriloquism is a popular act
Distributing crap as if it’s crack
And those who can’t afford on their
own accord are picking up the slack
For a war without facts
While the elite is kicking up stacks of
Benjamins in the resonance of war machine’s
engines Fueled by a vengeance,
Killing without sentence, unwilling of repentence
My father the reverand, a veteran whose
Pensions are lessened from Vietnam’s
unmentioned dimensions in a young man’s
brain His repressions of fire and pain
Leave him praying for rain
But depression’s blaze still burns the same
As he is daily reminded by TV
Like a movie rewinded to its most
graphic scene Play it back with the crap
for all of the phenes
My father finds it again haunting his dreams
Bidding farewell to soldiers no older than teens
Who don’t know what it means
To purge art from the heart, expose light from the dark,
To sift through perception until they
find a spark And feed to the fire
Ambition and desire to become what they aspire
Who’s gonna save them
When the government mentally bathes
them and enslaves them in their schemes?
We’re creating a hellish environment in earth, man, and dreams
JCT
Oh, Father. Help me. I’m so weak.
My patience is waning. I wanted to slap the
ignorant dickhead.... abusing my name, lying to
children! But that’s just my ego now, isn’t it?
I know there’s good in him somewhere, Father.
But I’ll be damned for all time if I can find it. Man,
I need to chill out… I’m freaking here. Remember
breathe, breathe... deep breaths. Shit, I need to get
away... somewhere, anywhere. Ah, the temple.
That’s it… the perfect place to relax and reflect.
King George
Beware of the leader who bangs the drums of war
in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervour,
because patriotism is indeed a double edged sword,
it emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind.
And when the drums of war have reached their fevor pitch
and the blood boils with hatred and the mind has closed,
the leader will have no need to seize the rights ojf the citizenry
for confused with fear and blinded by patriotism, they
shall offer them freely unto him. How do I know this?
For this is what I have done…and I am King George
the Second.
Audience Cast as Barkers
Get your “Jesus died on the cross for my sins”
T-shirts right here
Left over Reagan baby CD’s cheap
3 balls for a buck, one in to win, you gotta
get it up to get it in!
You can’t win if you don’t play!
C’mon in..the price is right
Who wants to be a millionaire?
RANDY (Like Elvis in front of stage)
I was thinking the other day,
bout being an American
How stopping in at the Dunkin Donuts
is just like scoring heroin
How they built malls, golf courses,
and cemeteries all over this beautiful land
Somehow I just don’t believe that this
was all in the plan…
JCT (screaming)
My temple should be a house of prayer
But you have made it a den of thieves. Get out!
JC and cast and band
These are the confessions of an American Mess
Send my list of questions out to the candidates address
Like whose on first and whose on lockdown
Whose for real and whose a fake clown
Who’ll rewrite the constitution
To legalize summery execution
The innocent attest, it's an american mess
These are the confessions of an American mess
Mail my list of grievances to the president’s address
Like you’re a liar and you’re a war criminal
You’re a drunk and you can’t say subliminal
You’re the big con, whoring for Enron
You’ve been dropping bombs for Raytheon
All of which attests, to this american mess, mess
all an American mess, an american mess, mess,
all an American mess..mama mama mama mama
it ain’t me..mama this my corporation tis of thee
Mama I’m living in a fake-ass democracy
hey,hey,hey,hey,hey,hey hey,hey
hey,hey,hey,hey,hey,hey hey,hey
Intermission
15 minutes
Stage Cast in Da Vinci Pose (Front and Center)
Jonathan (From Stage)
With a sawed off shotgun and clarity to see
Like every good Christian man he’s just trying to protect me
With sins of omission not his only crime
He’s just daddy’s little red-necked boy trying to
make it here in the big time
With his missionary eyes and his missionary zeal
The only thing that’s sacred is the light that he could steal
With his missionary guns and certainty of god
Salvation ain’t something you earn, these days
it’s just something that’s bought
Some folks are born peasants and some folks
are born kings
Some people just wander the earth never
knowing whose pulling the strings
If somebody asks me just where I stand
Just stay away from anyone born with a
silver spoon in their hand
And their missionary eyes and their missionary zeal
The only thing that’s sacred is the light that he could steal
With their missionary guns and the certainty of god
Salvation ain’t something you earn, these day’s
it’s just something that’s bought
FBI
get out! Get outta here…move it, now!!!
moans and groans from under blanket
Fagdellan (revealing her/himself)
I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days
When I've seen myself
I seem like someone else
I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me
He's a man, he's just a man
And I've had so many Men before
In very many ways
He's just one more
Should I bring him down
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so
I want him so. I love him so.
Doctor Cheney
Holy Jesus, Mary and …Fagdellan?
FAG (TERRIFIED)
No, please. Don’t hurt me, please. Not again.
FBI
Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Terrorist, but we’ve got
someone we want you to meet!
And when he’s done with you I’m going to be very, very wet
DOCTOR CHENEY
Oh wait! First let me check his hair for Lice!! !
Get a camera. Film it! Ohh this will be hot!
Film me checking his hair! Yeah… film it Baby
Camera Guy
Yeah... that’s it. Check him like that! Ok. Let me
see your face! That’s it! Yeah... that’s real nice, now show me
that cute face! This is gonna be great!
Now we can show everyone that you’re nothing but our
sad little slave!
FBI
Ok, ok… That’s enough. Take him to Pontious Ashcroft!
CAST (SEVERAL TIMES) (Heavenly Choir)
Hosana, Heysana, Sana, Sana Ho
Sana Hey, Sana Ho Sana
Hey JCT, JCT Won’t you die for me
Sana Hey, Sana Ho, Terrorist.
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
Who. Is, this broken man, cluttering up my office?
Who, is this unfortunate?
(Audience Cast)
Someone Jesus Christ Terrorist!
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
Ohh so this is the terrorist?
I am really not impressed
You look small. Not a threat at all.
We’ve all heard that you are pissed
But are you really a Terrorist?
JCT
That’s what you say
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
What, do, you mean by that?
That is not an answer.
Your deep in trouble friend
Someone Jesus Christ Terrorist.
How can someone in your state.
Be so cool about his fate?
An amazing thing….This Terrorist King.
But since you come from overseas
Then you need not come to me your Powell’s Race
Your Powell’s Case!
Take him to Powell!
(Heavenly Choir)
Hosanna Heysana, Sana, Sana Ho
Sana Hey Sana Ho San
Hey JCT, JCT Won’t you please tell me
You had everything where is it now?
Herod Powell
Jesus, I am overjoyed to meet you face to face
You’ve been getting quite a name
All around the place
Resisting CAFTA
Fighting with your words
Now your are a terrorist
At least that’s what I’ve heard
So, you are the Christ, Jesus Christ Terrorist
Prove to me that you’re hard-line
Change my water into wine
That’s all you need do
And I’ll know it’s all true
C’mon, you liberal!
Jesus you just won’t believe the hit You’ve made ‘round here.
You are all we talk about, the wonder of The year.
Oh, what a pity, if it’s all a lie
Still, I’m sure that you could rock the senate if you try
So, you are the Christ, Jesus Christ Terrorist
Prove to me that reggae rules
Scank across my swimming pool
Jah, do that for me, than I’ll let you go Free
C’mon, you liberal
I only ask things I’d ask any terrorist
What is it, that you did
To get on Ashcroft’s list?
I am waiting, yes I’m a captive fan
I’m dying to be shown that you have got Yourself a plan
So if you are the Christ, Jesus Christ Terrorist
Feed my household with this bread
Fuckin’ do it, or your dead!
Or has something gone wrong
Why do you take so long?
You fucking liberal!
Hey, ain’t ya scared of me Christ?
Mr. Dangerous Christ
You’re a joke you ain’t so bad
Man, we’ve all been had
Take him away, he’s got nothing to say
Get out you bleeding heart!
Get out you liberal!
Get out you anarchist!
Get out you terrorist!
Get out of my life!
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
And so the terrorist is once again my guest.
And why is this? Was Powell unimpressed?
King George
Return to Homeland, to sentence terrorists!
We need more laws to put a man to death.
We need him crucified; it’s all you have to do
I need him crucified; it’s all you have to do
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
Talk to me JCT. You have been brought here
Manacled, Beaten, by your own people
Do you have the first idea why you deserve this?
Listen Mr. Terrorist. Where is your Kingdom?
Look at me. Do I scare you?
JCT
I have got no Kingdom in this world I’m
Through, through, through
King George
Talk to me Jesus Christ
JCT
There may be a kingdom for me somewhere
If I only knew, knew, knew
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
But you’re a Terrorist!
JCT
It’s you that say I am
I look for truth
And find that I get damned
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
But what is truth?Is truth-unchanging law?We all have truths
Are mine the same as yours?
CAST
Crucify him!, Crucify Him!
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
Whadya Mean?
You’d crucify your King?
CAST
We have no King but George Bush!
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
He’s done no wrong..no, not the slightest thing.
CAST
We have no King but George Bush.
Crucify Him
Crucify Him
Pontious Ashcroft
I see no reason
I see no evil
This man is harmless, so why does he upset you?
He’s just misguided
Think’s he’s important
But to keep you vulture’s happy
I will Flog Him!
CAST
Crucify! (pause)
Crucify! (pause)
Crucify!
Crucify!
Crucify!
Crucify! (repeat 3x)
JC
moaning
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..
17..18..19..20..21..22..23..24..25..26..27..28..29.
.30..31..32..33..34..35..36..37..38..39……..
Where are you from Jesus?
What do you want Jesus Tell me
You better be careful
You could be dead soon, could well be
Why do you not speak when I hold your life in my hands?
How can you stay quiet?
I don’t believe you understand
JCT (MONOLOGUE)
You’re the one who doesn’t understand…
Any power you have will slip like grains
of sand between your fingers.
Empires rise and fall, but the mountains and rivers remain,
And my spirit is older than the mountains it flows in every river,
The only power you have is death,
But why should I fear death?
Cut down my body and my spirit will be
reborn again in all who resist,
My words will come again from their mouths.
Cut out their tongues and slit their throats
And the very rocks and stones will sing out the truth.
You can kill but you cannot destroy.
Nail me to your cross if you want to,
PONTIOUS ASHCROFT
Crucify him!
Cast
Crucify Him!!
JCT
This is the end, my only friend, the end
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Oh, Father, who art in heaven
Hallowed by thy name
Father, please help King George get his Head out of his ass.
Help him to respect Your myriad forms.
Show him the Light of Your compassion
And The strength and unity in diversity.
Thy kingdom come, Thy Will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Abandon us not to these war-mongering,
religious fanatical maniacs
Help them understand that Yeehaw!
Is NOT a acceptable foreign policy
Father, lead us not into temptation
Of Holier-than-thou attitudes
From the temptations of power and glory,
the temptation to pursue this insane
Quest for global domination,
But deliver us from evil father
The evil of unchecked global capitalism
The evil of free-trade, pre-emptive wars
Bigotry, racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia,
conformity, hypocrisy, privilege, the elite…
All of which are American dreams!
All of which are American dreams!
All of which... are American dreams
Father... into your hands
I commend my Spirit
Heavenly Choir
Saint Cincinnati
Called a meeting in the rain
As he fell down to his knees and told his story
all were temporarily entertained
He said, been down here so long, it ain't funny
And I just can’t pretend,
‘Cuz when the guard dogs shoot you down in dark alleys
What’s there left to defend?
Can I get an Amen?
Can I get an Amen?
Sometimes I just wanna cry
Can I get an Amen?
Can I get an Amen?
Sometimes I just wanna cry
Sometimes I just wanna
Flood the gates of heaven
And liberate all my friends
Sometimes I just wanna
Call you up late at night
Just to hear you again...
Can I get an Amen
Can I get an Amen
Sometimes I just wanna cry
Can I get an Amen
Please, Can I get an Amen
Sometimes I just wanna cry
Can I get an Amen
Heavenly Choir
Jesus Christ, Terrorist, Do you think your names on Ashcroft’s List